Painful Times
by chibijem
Summary: Tokiya deals with a loss...


Painful Times

By

Chibijem

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters herein and am making no financial gain from this work of fiction.

Author's Note: I know something about loss…. Please see the ending notes as I do not want to give the story away here. Thank you in advance for reading and apologies for the longer length.

* * *

Starish and their composer were in a meeting with Shining Entertainment, at the company headquarters, discussing plans for a tour to support their new disc. The group was lively as usual with ideas for the actual performances from stage and costume design to actual venues they wanted to visit.

"We need to do some shows in the north." Hijirikawa Masato voiced.

"I agree," Shinomiya Natsuki added.

"I've been reading the posts in several groups online and on our official site inviting us." Kurusu Syo took a sip of water.

"We've not been there yet and some of the fans have not been able to make it to our shows in Tokyo." Ichinose Tokiya told the assemblage.

Jinguji Ren stretched in his chair, "We cannot ignore our fans there nor their invitations."

"The questions then would be how many shows and where." Saotome replied, glasses sliding down his nose.

"Sapporo for a start." Ittoki Otoya put in.

"Could we not ask to see how much interest there would be for multiple shows and where?" Aijima Cecil asked.

"Hmmmmmm, we could hold a contest for the fans….." Saotome began thinking.

"Ano, how long would that take? To start a competition like that?" Nanami Haruka enquired. "I thought you wanted to get a tour together as soon as possible."

"Time is a factor but in this day with internet and social media, it would take no time at all." The former idol told them. "Much different than when I was still performing." He let out a laugh.

"We will still need time to rehearse and then there is the time it takes to construct the stage and costumes." Tokiya reminded their manager.

"We do want to put on a great show for our fans." The blue-eyed saxophonist said.

"They deserve the best." The bespectacled member added.

"The best takes time, Shacho." Otoya leaned on the conference table.

"You've never let me down." The head executive informed the group. "None of you." He said pointedly to their composer. Just then there was a knock on the door and an assistant came in and whispered into his ear. He nodded and motioned him away. "There is someone needing to see you Mr. Ichinose."

"Me? Why?" Steel blue eyes questioned.

"They would not say. They only said it was imperative they speak with you at once."

"What did you do, Icchi?" Ren smiled, teasing.

"Jinguji." Masato warned.

"Do you want any of us to go with you?" Otoya asked, concerned.

"Iie, they asked to speak to him alone." Saotome interjected.

"Tokiya?" Haruka took his hand as he stood.

"It will be alright." He squeezed her hand then left to greet his visitor.

The eldest in the room pressed a button on the intercom and asked his assistant to return. "Who is it?" He queried, pulling off his glasses.

"They looked official."

"Out with it; you see more than most. That's one of the reasons you work for me." Saotome was losing his patience.

"I think they are from the police department." The man answered quietly.

The remaining members looked to each other. There was no possible way Tokiya had done anything requiring the presence of police. Things happened to him, to them all since their success as a group and for Tokiya before that when he was performing as Hayato. He had the most experience with the attention even if he told them all you never got used to the adulation and the craziness that came with it.

"Someone probably broke into his apartment again." Syo mused.

"I thought he sold it when we became a group." Natsuki took a cookie and bit into it.

"Iie, he kept it." Haruka replied, wringing her hands, worried.

"Why? He spends all his time at the Course's grounds." Cecil stated; they all knew the reason why and she was sitting in the room.

The gathering waited more than half an hour before the door opened and Saotome's assistant came in. "Well?!" Patience now completely gone from the head of Shining Entertainment.

"They left the room several minutes ago, but Ichinose-san is still in there."

Haruka shot to her feet and left the room, following the indicated path to an office, the others quickly followed. The door was closed and the founder of Starish knocked; receiving no answer, she opened the door slowly and quietly. What they all saw frightened them, Tokiya sat in a stuffed chair with a glass in his hand, staring at nothing.

Haruka moved to his side and knelt; she looked into vacant blue eyes. "Tokiya?" She let her hand rest on one of his knees. "Anata?"

Ren took the glass out of the almost slack hand as Masato smelled the decanter on the table, wrinkling his nose at the strong alcoholic scent. "Icchi?" Ren knelt next to Haruka. He nodded to the rest and saw Saotome speaking with what he assumed were the men who came to talk to his friend.

Haruka tried again and saw recognition enter much loved eyes. "What's happened?" She asked softly.

"I…..my….." Was all he could get out, the words barely heard by the singers now gathered around him.

"Tokiya, it is alright." Cecil assured his partner.

Dark locks moved about singer's head as he shook it, "Iie, it's not." His voice rasped out.

Masato went to Saotome when the elder entered the room, sadness written on their manager's face. "Shacho?"

Saotome motioned the members of his most successful group away from their stricken vocalist. He took their place, smiling gently at their composer indicating for her to remain. "He will need you….all of you." He then turned to the young man he promised a second chance to. "Tokiya, is there anything I can do? Is there anything you need?" The vocalist quietly shook his head and attempted to reach for the glass Ren had placed on the desk. "That may make you feel better now, but not long term." Saotome took the glass and placed it out of reach. "He's in shock." He said and moved quickly to the phone. Once he was finished giving some orders, he motioned for everyone to follow him out of the room, leaving Haruka with her love.

"What is it?" Masato was prompt.

"Mr. Ichinose's mother has passed away."

The group gasped. "How? When?" The questions came fast.

"She was involved in an accident."

"Poor Tokiya." Cecil's emerald eyes filled with tears in sympathy.

Ren, Masato, Natsuki, Syo and Otoya's did the same. Feelings ran deep within the group: when one was hurting, the others were too.

Inside the room, Haruka waited while Tokiya gathered himself. She could actually see him grappling with his emotions. He finally took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "My mother is dead," his words were flat.

The composer gasped, her fingers going to her soft lips as sun kissed eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Tokiya. I am so sorry." She ran her hand over the top of his head as he nodded. When he took her hand and tugged her into his lap, she wrapped her arms around him. She knew it was a small comfort but it was all she could offer and it was all he would accept at the moment.

The news of Tokiya's mother's passing effectively ended the meeting, tour discussions were tabled for the time being. Everyone agreed to give him as much time as he needed not only to deal with the material things but also his grief. They all knew it was going to be difficult for many reasons: their unofficial leader had had a strained relationship with not only his mother but his father as well so he was, in fact, alone. In addition, Tokiya was not known for letting his emotions show.

The ride back to the Master Course's compound was quiet; Tokiya staring out of the window at the passing landscape and the others wanting to give him what privacy they could. When they arrived, Tokiya ensconced himself in Saotome's office to make some phone calls to do what he could in regards to arrangements and such. The others made for their favored living room, sprawling out in their favorite chairs and sofas.

"It feels like a shroud has been pulled over this place." Otoya sighed.

"It's natural: one of us is hurting deeply." Masato replied, starting to pour the tea that had been brought.

"What can we do?" Cecil asked.

"Whatever Icchi needs us to." Ren vowed.

"He has us to help him." Natsuki added.

"Nanami, if Tokiya needs anything, anything at all," Syo offered.

"Arigato, Minna-san." The composer sat watching the doorway, hoping to see her love there. "I think what he will need the most is knowing he is not alone." Her voice soft, concern etched into her features.

"We will make sure he knows that, Little Lamb," Ren's voice unusually soft. "But I think he will need your support the most."

Haruka shook her head, "He is going to need all of us."

"Whether he knows it or not." Otoya added.

Masato finished handing out the tea and sat back, blowing over his own cup. "I remember back when we were first at the academy," he began. "He seemed so closed off to everything and everyone."

"Hai, I remember." The blonde violinist continued. "He looked like that today."

"He looked worse than that." Syo commented. "Then the drink he had. Never would have thought it…." He shook his head sadly.

"I'm sure the policemen gave it to him. The news threw him badly." Ren advised. "When my mother passed and they told me….." his words failed him as memories flooded his mind.

Masato stood and went to his long-time friend's side, "I remember seeing how devastated you were, Jinguji." He laid a comforting hand on the saxophonist's broad shoulder.

"We will see him through this." Cecil said firmly. "We are his family."

After waiting almost an hour, Haruka couldn't stand it anymore and went in search of the dark-haired singer. She started in the office and didn't see him; she found a notepad with his notes on it and frowned.

"He's not here?" Ren asked.

"Iie," she began lifting the papers. "He was-he's made some arrangements." She told him as the others came into the room.

Ren took the pad from the tiny woman and read over it. "Damn!"

"What?" Otoya looked over Masato's shoulder as the pianist took the proffered papers and read. "He can't be serious?!"

"It looks like it." The former financial scion replied.

"What is he serious about?" Natsuki took the pad. "Why?"

"You know Icchi, always trying to do everything on his own." Ren noticed the door to the gardens was open just the tiniest bit; he motioned to the others. "We'll find him, Lady."

"Jinguji-san…." Haruka started forward.

"Nanami, let us look for him first." Otoya asked. "Ren-san and I kind of know what he's going through." He laid his hands on slim shoulders. "He'll need you the most, but let us have a chance to talk to him first."

The founder of Starish sighed, "Hai." As the two started out the door, she called out. "Make sure he doesn't do anything…." She couldn't finish her thought. Everyone knew Tokiya would not do anything foolish normally but these were far from normal circumstances.

Outside, the musicians looked around, "The gazebo?" Otoya asked, knowing it was a favorite place of his steely eyed friend.

"There first," Ren answered, starting off at a light jog. They did, indeed, find Tokiya there and both their hearts hurt from looking at the desolation emanating from their hurting partner. They climbed the steps carefully, not knowing if they were welcome. "Icchi?" Ren began softly, he received no response. "Tokiya?" He tried again with the singer's given name.

"Leave me alone." Tokiya never moved. He was sitting in a dark corner of the structure, hands clasped behind his bent head, elbows on his knees.

"Tokiya, we just want to help." Otoya came to stand next to the taller Ren.

"There's nothing to be done; there is nothing to help with…..just nothing." His normal, fluid rhetoric had disappeared and his words were halted and jerky.

The orange haired member sank to his knees before his grim comrade. "I know," Ren started and laid his hand on Tokiya's knee when the singer shook his head. "I know what you're feeling." He started again. "When I lost my mother, I was devastated. You're feeling that. My mother was everything to me, she understood me best, taught me about music, encouraged me to pursue it. When she died, it was like all the light and goodness in my world was gone." Ren's voice was raspy as his memories came to the fore.

Otoya laid a hand on Ren's shoulder in support as he, too, knelt in front of his former roommate. "It was the same for me," his words softly spoken. "I remember when they came to tell me: I was younger than you, but I remember that day was going so well and then in an instant I had nothing and no one. Or so I thought."

Tokiya seemed to collapse into himself, trying to protect himself. "It's not the same….I…..I…." He jumped to his feet so quickly that the two men fell back onto the floor. "Everyone thinks they know…but you don't. You all think I'm hurting and I should be, but I'm not…..I'm just not." His last words were almost a cry. Then lightning fast he ran off into the woods.

Ren and Otoya looked to one another and then in the direction Tokiya had run. "Oh, yes you are. You are definitely hurting." Ren said.

"You just don't know how to admit or deal with it." Otoya finished.

* * *

Dinner was a quiet affair, everyone worried for their group mate; Tokiya had still not returned to the house. Haruka, barely eating, jumped each time she heard a door opening and then sagging in defeat when she saw it was someone else.

"You need to eat, Little Lamb. You're going to need every bit of your strength to deal with him." Ren had been the one to tell Haruka what had transpired and it compounded her anxiety.

"He'll be back, Nanami." Syo encouraged.

"He will, Haruka. He will remember he has a family here with us and will return." Cecil added, though he, too, was uneasy.

"If he doesn't come back soon…" The composer looked out the rain spattered windows at the darkening sky.

"We will look for him if he isn't back soon, Haru-chan." Natsuki assured her.

"Nanami, grief makes people do strange things," Masato tried reasoning Tokiya's behavior. It was so unlike the steely-eyed singer to run from anything. "We all know he is not the best when it comes to letting himself feel."

"I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to feel what he is right now. No matter how much he tried to deny it." Ren explained, taking a sip of water.

"Tokiya feels things so deeply," Haruka said. "He isn't used to having anyone there for him; he doesn't want to risk himself. Now he feels abandoned again." She had learned from their talks how much her love had been shattered when his father had left him and his mother over his only son becoming an idol. He had confided that it had been his mother's dream which had become his own. It had not mattered that he had succeeded, his father had wanted nothing more to do with him. Tokiya had told her of his relief when his prior manager had taken him from his mother and brought him to the city; he said even though he was under more pressure, it felt like less than being with his overbearing mother. It had somewhat alarmed him when he became such a focus for her. "He told me he had not spoken to his mother since right before Starish's debut. He said it had not been the best of conversations."

"He's probably feeling guilty on top of everything else." Masato mused.

"What happened between them?" Syo asked.

"You must promise not to tell him I told you." Haruka related how Tokiya's relationship with his mother had deteriorated after his father left them and then her almost manic control of him and his musical aspirations. "He was relieved when he became Hayato but that became a prison for him too."

"No wonder he's so closed off." Cecil said.

"He was more so before we joined together." Otoya told him. "When we roomed together, sometimes I felt as if I was the only one in the room, he kept to himself so much."

"After Nanami-san suggested we come together as a group, he changed. He was much more open to everyone."

"He smiled more." Haruka said softly, remembering how much he had scared her in the early days. Then she had realized how much he was suffering, being denied his dream. That night on the beach on the island had been the turning point for their relationship.

"The love of a good woman does that." Ren smiled at her, making her blush.

Two hours later, the men were grabbing their jackets to go in search of their missing member when they heard a crash in the kitchen. They all ran towards the commotion and were shocked to see a disheveled and soaked Tokiya resting against the counter by the sink.

"Tokiya!" Haruka ran to him, clasping his arms. "Where have you been? We were so worried about you!"

"Gomen….gomen nasai." He got out, catching his breath.

"Are you alright?" Ren asked. "Other than…." He didn't voice the obvious.

The tiny composer noticed her love's torn clothing and bad color not to mention detecting the smell of alcohol on his breath. "Tokiya-anata?"

"I just was running…."

"You don't need to run from us." She told him sadly.

"Hai, I know that. I just….I don't know." He slumped against her.

"Icchi!" Ren grabbed for his friend as Natsuki took Tokiya's other side. "We need to get him warm." He could feel how icy the singer's skin was.

"He'll need something warm to eat too." Masato added as he turned to the stove to start water for tea. He, too, smelled the liquor and knew Tokiya would need something in his stomach to help absorb it.

"Jinguji-san?"

With Tokiya's arms over their shoulders, Ren and Natsuki made for the door. "We'll get him cleaned up and back to you, Lady." He turned to his exhausted companion. "We are going to have a serious talk after, Tokiya."

Forty minutes later, found the group in the living room with their concern focused on the figure bundled in a blanket in a chair before the roaring fire. Haruka sitting next to him, trying to get him to take some tea and soup. "You need to eat, anata." Golden eyes implored to which Tokiya just shook his head.

Ren let out an exasperated sigh and walked over to the couple, dragging a chair behind him. He turned it and sat. "You'd best do as she says."

"I don't want anything."

"You don't need to punish yourself." The saxophonist noticed the steel eyes glance up slightly from beneath thick eyelashes. "That's what you're doing."

"Why do you care?" Was the almost belligerent question.

Haruka gasped. "How dare you, Ichinose Tokiya?!" She rose, her anger making her tower over the man she loved. "How dare you ask such a thing?" She shot out her hand and took his chin in her grasp so he could not pull away. "You are such an important part of all of us; we care for you and each other. I love you!" She leaned down so she could look him directly in the eye. "Don't think you're current attitude will push us away. We are a family, maybe not by blood but by everything else that matters, and family members support each other. In good times or bad." Tears plain in her voice. "I will not leave you—ever." She sat again, temper deflated.

"Listen to her, Tokiya." Syo encouraged, coming close.

"No one here is going to abandon you." Natsuki injected.

"You're not alone anymore." Otoya came to stand behind his wounded friend, laying a hand on one blanket covered shoulder.

"Tokiya, it is alright to let yourself feel." Cecil told him.

"You need to let yourself grieve, Tokiya." Masato added.

"What you're feeling is normal, Icchi. Don't deny it; it will not be easy and will take time. We are all here for you whenever you need us." Ren said, reaching over and laying his hand on Tokiya's knee.

The dark haired singer raised his head and they saw tears brimming in his eyes. "Arigato, minna-san." He barely managed to get out.

"And Tokiya, liquor won't help." Ren finished. He had noticed the flask on the kitchen floor. He and the others had been given them when they had visited a whiskey distillery during a tour.

* * *

Several nights later, right before they were all due to travel to Tokiya's hometown for his mother's funeral, they all gathered in the darkened hallway. It was the second night they had all been woken by Tokiya's nightmares. In an instant, Haruka came running down the hall and ran into her love's bedroom. She crawled onto the bed with him and wrapped her arms around him as he clutched her to him like a lifeline.

"Is there anything you need, Nanami?" Masato asked.

"I think I can handle it from here but arigato." She ran her fingers through thick, dark locks. "It's alright, only a dream." She murmured, leaning down to press a kiss against his temple. "You're safe." For two nights, nightmares plagued him and each time she had gotten into bed with him so he would know he was not alone. The rest of the group had spoken to Saotome about it and he, in turn, had consulted a professional about this behavior. They had all been told it was normal behavior following a trauma and in time it would recede; it should resolve as soon as Tokiya dealt with his feelings. That they should all stay close and support their friend and colleague.

"Gomen, gomen, gomen." Tokiya whispered, laying his head in Haruka's lap.

"Iie, this is normal." She assured him. "Try and sleep."

"You should go back to your own bed."

"You are not getting rid of me so easily, Ichinose Tokiya."

He let out a small, watery laugh which brightened her heart. "Honto ni?"

"Hai."

* * *

A light rain was falling on those congregated at the cemetery; all the members of Starish, Saotome, Shibuya Tomochika , Tsukimiya-sensei, Hyuga –sensei and even Quartet Night and Tokiya's former manager and company president had come to pay their respects and support Tokiya. He stood holding an umbrella over himself and his love. His striking face held no expression as the priest finished the ceremony and as his friends offered their condolences.

"Miss Nanami, we will meet you at the restaurant." Saotome told her as he clasped the tall singer's shoulder in encouragement.

"Arigato, Saotome-sama."

She watched as the others piled into various cars and left, leaving one vehicle behind for them. She turned to the wounded man beside her; Tokiya had been quiet, more quiet than usual and it bothered her. She knew he needed to let out the pain he was feeling but she also knew she had to be patient. "Anata?"

Steely-blue eyes never left the grave marker, "Hmmmm?"

"I won't even ask if you are alright, but is there anything I can do?"

A tiny smile curved his lips and he looked down into sun-kissed eyes, "You are doing it." He switched hands for the umbrella and wrapped an arm around her. "Just stay by me."

"Hai, always" she returned his smile and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him.

As they got into the car, Tokiya stiffened and she asked what was wrong. "I thought I saw someone." He replied as he got into the car. "Probably my imagination."

At the restaurant, which Saotome had arranged for, there was a quiet gathering of Tokiya's friends and some acquaintances of his mother's. He greeted them politely though he felt like running from all the sympathy flooding his direction. He felt like he was drowning. Through it all, Haruka stood by him, making sure he ate as much as she could get into him and that he had some time to himself when she felt he needed it.

Most of the guests had already left and the rest of the Starish group was relaxing. Tokiya off to one side, trying to gather himself; it had been a trying day. The next few promised to be the same as he had to go through his mother's belongings and make arrangements for her property.

"Icchi, you doing okay?" The tall saxophonist came up, holding out a glass. "Just tea. Though I'm sure you could use something stronger."

Letting out a soft chuckle, Tokiya took the glass, "Arigato." He sipped and sighed, placing a hand on Haruka's that she had placed on his knee, entwining their fingers. "I'm doing as best I can."

"Are you planning on staying at your mother's?" Masato asked as he came forward.

"I'm not sure." He pinched the bridge of his straight nose.

There was a commotion in the main lobby as a man attempted to enter what was supposed to be a private affair. Saotome went to see what was going on. Tokiya stood, letting out a gasp when the door to the room opened and he saw someone he never thought to see again.

"Otosan." The word fell from his stunned lips.

"Tokiya, I want to see you." The man called out, he was poorly dressed and smelled of liquor.

The tall singer, shook his head violently, trying to deny the image and voice before him. Haruka stood and wrapped an arm around his trim waist. Saotome and one of the group's security guards tried stopping the man but he managed to elude them and was crossing the room towards his offspring. "Yamate!" Haruka told him.

"Who are you to deny me?" Tokiya's father ground out, angrily.

"Don't you speak to her in that tone!" Tokiya's normally smooth voice rang out. He pulled out of her grasp and stood ramrod straight before his father. "How dare you come here." His eyes mere slits as his temper awakened. "You gave up any right to see me years ago-Otosan." He said the title with a sneer.

The others watched the confrontation, "He's going to blow." Syo said.

"He's let this go for so long." Natsuki added. The group knew about Tokiya's past and how much anger their friend bore against his father. "The timing is bad."

"Jinguji?" Masato started over to the two men; their sempai, Kurosaki Ranmaru following.

"Right with you." Ren strode over as the discussion grew more heated. He gently got Haruka out of the way though the composer wanted to stay by Tokiya's side. He returned as the two men's voices grew louder as emotions got the better of them both. "Let's all calm down." The orange-haired musician suggested.

The dark-haired vocalist took a deep breath, "I am perfectly calm."

"No, he's not," Otoya whispered to Cecil standing beside him.

"I can feel his anger from here." The prince replied.

"I think you need to leave, Mr. Ichinose." Masato told the older man.

"You cannot order me out! I am here to speak to my son."

"Your son?!" Tokiya pushed a firm finger into his father's chest. "I remember you saying you had no son all those years ago! What are you really here for; it certainly isn't to have a chat!"

"You are my blood, my family."

"I am no such thing!" Tokiya then pushed his father away from him and a shoving match ensued. Ren and Masato trying to separate the two combatants with Kurosaki attempting to wrestle Tokiya's father away. "My family is here and it is not you. They have stood by me through everything, accepted me for who I am and who I want to be. They have done more than you ever did-Otosan." Tokiya screamed. "You've no idea how much you hurt her and me, no idea at all and now you want to come back into my life!?" Tokiya raised a fist.

"Tokiya." Ren managed to grab his partner's arm before he could strike. The saxophonist turned to one the bodyguards, "Get him out of here!" He ordered, nodding his head towards the elder Ichinose.

They all watched as two guards finally managed to pull the still yelling man out the door. The manager of the restaurant following, phone to his ear talking to the police department.

Tokiya sank into the chair behind him and pressed his fists to his eyes, trying to get his breath back. "Why?' He got out.

"Here, drink this." Ren held out another glass. Watching as Tokiya drank, he motioned for Haruka who was moving closer, to sit. "Are you alright?" He asked her.

"Hai, just worried about him." She replied watching as Tokiya rolled the glass between his hands. "Daijobu desu ka?" She asked him.

"I will be." He sipped again. "Why did he have to come?" He mused. "Why?" he repeated.

Several hours later found the entire group at the hotel, ensconced onto a floor of suites. After finding out the arrangements Tokiya had made for himself, Saotome had taken over and made further arrangements for the entire group and entourage. He was damned if he would let his singer do things alone. As was their way, all doors were open so everyone could come and go as they pleased until bedtime when doors were closed. People were milling in and out of the suite Tokiya, Haruka and Otoya were occupying; they were all inquiring about Tokiya.

"He's resting," the composer told everyone. They had convinced the singer to stay at the hotel with them and as soon as they arrived, she had ushered him into the bedroom where she had stayed with him until he fell into an uneasy doze. None of them had wanted Tokiya to be alone at his mother's house especially after what had occurred. "Minna-san, arigato for helping earlier. He's not himself just now."

"Little Lamb, we know." Ren stood over her and pulled her gently to him. "You look like you need a hug." He explained.

She pulled away after a bit and wiped away the tears falling down her cheeks. "He's not been sleeping well and not eating…."

"Hai, we know." Syo told her. "It's okay, Nanami."

"He's under a lot of stress; it's completely understandable, Nanami." Masato came to her and laid a hand on her cheek. "You are too."

"I'm fine, just worried."

"We are all here for you, both of you, Haru-chan." Natsuki said.

"Anything you need, you ask." Otoya ordered her, his eyes kind.

"Tokiya and you both need our support." Cecil said.

"Arigato."

Saotome and Tokiya's former president came into the room; the two men had been with the local authorities discussing what should be done with the singer's father. "This will stay out of the media since the restaurant was closed to the public. I've spoken to the manager and he assures me his employees are very discreet." The former idol told everyone, taking a seat.

"Where have we heard that before?" Ren asked, sarcasm lacing his voice.

"I will make sure it will happen that way." Saotome assured him. "This is not just protecting Starish; I care for all of you deeply. Tokiya does not need the anxiety a story like this would bring should the media learn of it."

"Sumimasen, Shacho." Ren replied, looking deflated.

"It's fine, Jinguji." The older man smiled at his singer. "We've," he motioned to Tokiya's former chairman and continued. "We've found out more about his father. It seems he has fallen on bad times. His business is failing."

"He probably wants money or just the name recognition." Masato mused.

"Exactly."

"That's terrible," Haruka exclaimed. "To use his own son for gain, after leaving him the way he did all those years ago."

"Tokiya has been carrying his anger for a very long time. It was no wonder he exploded this afternoon." Natsuki pushed his glasses back up his nose.

"He must have had a feeling…" Syo paced to the window, staring out at the rain.

"One thing Tokiya is not is stupid. He knew." The orange haired saxophonist confirmed.

"Well, hopefully we have seen the last of that man." Cecil finished.

When a late dinner arrived from room service and was being set up, buffet style, Haruka went to wake Tokiya. She sat on the edge of the bed and gently rested her hand on his flat stomach. "Tokiya? Dinner's here; you need to eat something."

Gray-blue eyes peeled open slowly, "Nani?"

"Dinner. You need to eat." She repeated.

The dark head turned on the pillow and looked out into the dark night. "I suppose."

"No supposing; you've hardly eaten anything since you found out about your mother's death. You cannot go on like this."

"Hai, hai," he sat up and ran his hands through his hair, shaking his head to wake himself up further. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and rested his elbows on his knees. "Gomen nasai." He sighed.

"For what?' Haruka, moving to the door, turned back.

"This afternoon. I should not have acted like I did; you should have never seen me like that."

"You don't need to apologize."

"Not exactly the man you thought I was, am I?" The statement was tinged with self-loathing.

Haruka came to stand before the man she loved and admired. "You are a fine man, Ichinose Tokiya. You are a good man and don't you ever forget it." She told him firmly, taking his handsome face in her hands so he would look at her. "I love you-all of you." Her kiss finalized her vow.

"Aishteru, koiishi." His voice breaking as he wrapped his strong arms around her middle, pressing his face against her. "I'm the man I am now because of you." He got out, tears in his voice.

"You've always been you." She reassured him. The door opened and Otoya stuck his head in. She shook her head whispering that everything was alright and they would be out soon.

Several minutes later, Tokiya was sitting on a couch, Haruka next to him. They both had plates piled high with food. The tall singer was about to say something when Ren pointed a finger at him. "Eat."

When the meal was finished, Tokiya stood; the whole room stopped. "I have to apologize for my behavior this afternoon and to thank all of you. I am not proud of myself."

"Icchi, you have nothing to be sorry for." Ren stood and came before his partner. "We all understand-about everything." He put his strong hands on Tokiya's broad shoulders. "Okay?"

"I would have done the same in your position, Ichinose-Tokiya." Masato added, finishing with the vocalist's given name to show his sincerity.

"You've held it in for so long, Tokiya-kun." Natsuki said, also standing.

"It was just time to let it out," Otoya thumped him in the leg.

"Do not be sorry for what is natural." Cecil's green eyes sparkled.

"You say the word…."Syo offered.

Tokiya could not meet the eyes of his group mates; he was touched by their words. "Arigato, Minna-san." He said, his voice filled with emotion.

* * *

A few days later, Tokiya was standing in his mother's house surrounded by boxes stuffed with household goods and personal items. He was marking them for delivery either to charities or to his apartment back home. Otoya and Haruka had stayed with him as he had encouraged the others to take the unexpected time off and visit their families. He sighed as he straightened, stretching his back out. He had gotten quite the workout physically and emotionally the past several days, moving furniture and packing and dealing with all the memories. He was grateful for his friends' support and especially to Otoya and Haruka for staying with him to help. He still felt like he was in the middle of an emotional typhoon, his feelings ricocheting from one end of the spectrum to the other. He was pulled out of his reverie when he felt Haruka lay a gentle hand on his back, she handed him a cold drink and asked if he was alright. "Hai, heki desu."

"You were staring off into space." She looked at him.

"I'm fine." He assured her, cupping her cheek and kissing her soft lips.

"Ah, gomen." Otoya came into the room. He blushed at catching his friends in an intimate moment.

They both laughed softly and turned to the guitarist. "It's alright, Otoya." The tall vocalist told his former roommate. He noticed the box in the red-head's hands. "What have you got?"

"I was going through one of the closets and found this." He handed the box over. "It has your name on the label."

Tokiya carried it to the table and set it down, an uneasy feeling coming over him. He peeled back the top and picked up the news clipping on top. It chronicled Starish's last tour; he went through the box finding articles and photos of himself from his days as Hayato to the Uta Pri competition to one for the release of Starish's newest disc dated a few weeks ago. "She…..she was following me." He slumped in a chair, disbelief in his voice.

"Why wouldn't she?" Haruka asked quietly. "You are her son, no matter the words you spoke, the distance between you or the falling out you had, you are her son and she loved you." She lay her head against his as she stood next to him.

"I just could not remain with her," he began. "I was suffocating under her. After Otosan left, she placed all her energy and focus on me." His breathing was erratic.

Haruka knelt next to the chair, "I think she knew why you went to the city." She lay a hand on Tokiya's knee. "She knew she would have to let you go so you could achieve your dream."

"The last time we spoke, I was so….unkind." Guilt dripped from his admission.

"She understood, Tokiya." Otoya knelt on the other side, across from Starish's composer.

"How could she?" Tears now forming in the stormy eyes.

"She was a mother, your mother." Otoya answered.

The dark head bowed as Tokiya started to shake, "I wish she knew how much I missed her…..How much I loved her." Tears slipping down his cheeks.

"She knew, anata." Haruka stood so she could wrap her arms around him, give him a place of solace in her arms. "She knew." She held him as he curled his arms tightly around her as he started crying in earnest. With wet cheeks, she looked to Otoya and saw he, too, was crying. "Finally." She said, relieved that her love was at long last grieving.

* * *

Several weeks later, Starish were putting the final touches to their first set of costumes when Haruka came into the dressing room. She immediately went to Tokiya who was adjusting a belt. "You better come." She said, taking hold of one muscular arm.

"What for?" He asked as he followed her out.

"Icchi, there's no time for that." Ren teased, following the couple down the hallway.

"What's going on?" Otoya asked, jogging to catch up.

"No idea."

"Nanami?"

"Little Lamb?"

"Koiishi?" Tokiya almost stumbled when his love stopped abruptly. "What is so important? We have to take the stage in a few minutes.

"You need to be prepared."

She waved at the bank of video monitors before them. The concert was being filmed for later release on disc and a possible television special. On several of them were views of the crowds and some of the fans were holding banners with well wishes and thanks for the group. Tokiya edged closer and saw that there were messages of encouragement and sympathy for him. He swallowed hard, gripping Haruka's hand in his. There had been a press release issued by Shining Entertainment informing the public of the delay of the start of the tour and why. Ever since, the cards, letters and emails had flooded in, touching every member of the group. The group had held a press conference and Tokiya had thanked their fans for all their support.

"You okay, Icchi?" Ren asked, placing a hand on his comrade's shoulder. After returning to the Master Course's compound, Haruka and Otoya had told the rest of the group about Tokiya's finally breaking down upon seeing the box of mementos his mother had kept. They had even found a concert program in the box which only made Tokiya cry even more. Now that his friend was openly grieving and beginning to heal, Ren made sure he was available should Tokiya want to talk and talk they did.

"Hai, I'm just touched by their sentiments."

"What's up?" Syo asked from behind.

The four moved aside so the shortest member could see for himself, "That is so cool!" He exclaimed.

Natsuki, who followed his long-time friend, nodded. "See? You have so many who care." He said to his dark-haired partner.

Cecil and Masato joined the crowd, "It is a very touching thing." Masato added.

"They deserve our very best performance." Cecil mused.

"They always do." Tokiya finished.

"Let's do this." Ren urged as he turned back towards the dressing area.

Minutes later, Haruka went through the traditional high fives and fist bumps as the men of Starish took their places. Tokiya was last as always; instead of their usual greeting, Tokiya wrapped his arms around her and she did the same, laying her head against his broad chest. "Will you be alright?"

"I will," he replied. "I may have a moment or two at first, but I'll be okay. I have six guys up there with me not to mention how many thousands of screaming fans." He smiled, one of the first genuine smiles he'd had in weeks.

"Don't forget, you have me too."

"I will never forget you are here for me."

"And that you are not alone, not ever again."

"I am not alone," he repeated, kissing her quickly as their stage manager was about to have a fit at his delay taking his riser. "I have to go."

"You'll be fantastic." She cheered him on. She watched him sprint off, "I'll be here waiting." She called out and laughed as she saw him lift a fist in victory. "Not alone, not anymore."

She went to the wings to watch the beginning of the concert; they were trying out new risers that shot them out of the floor. The rehearsals were quite interesting as the crew adjusted the tension for each member's weight. There was quite a bit of bruising the first few days as the group learned to land correctly. She smiled as each of them hit their marks perfectly and then noticed her love become still. It was like he had said: he would have moments and this one of them. She had to stop herself from running onto the stage to take him into her arms as he lifted a hand to his face. The rest of Starish gathered around him; they had planned the first set with this just in mind. They all clasped his shoulders and stood by him as he addressed the massive crowd.

"Arigato Minna-san," he started, clearing his throat. "As you know, I recently suffered a loss and all of the notes and emails have given me much comfort and helped me a great deal. I also have to thank my partners for their support and love. It has not been an easy time for any of us as I deal with this new reality. Most of all I have to thank our composer who has stood by me through it all." He turned to where she was standing. "Aishteru, Haruka." The crowd went wild at his public confession. Starish motioned for her to take the stage. "We are Starish, but she is at the heart of us." Tokiya said taking her hand as Ren led her out. He leaned down to press a quick kiss to her lips, to the deafening applause of the fans. "Not alone, not anymore." He whispered to her.

Haruka blushed almost as red as her hair then lifted Tokiya's hand and kissed his knuckles. She waved to the crowd and lifted his microphone, "I think they're waiting." She waved again and left the stage. _He's finally healing,_ she thought. It was a wonderful thing to see his true personality emerge and everyone who knew him was delighted in the new Ichinose Tokiya. It was if an immense weight had been lifted from him.

She watched as the group took their places when the lights dimmed and the music started as Cecil began the countdown to the song that started it all.

FIN

* * *

Author's Note: As I prefaced briefly, I know something about loss, losing my mother not too long ago. This piece came to my mind and would not go away even though I had other plots already started. I think of this story as a bit of therapy though my own situation is different from Tokiya's. Loss is loss. Thank you for taking the time to read this rather long piece.

Author's Note 2: As my Imoto-san tells me 'You certainly love to torture your characters'. It's true I do love an angst-ridden bishie. Sorry Tokiya…My next work will hopefully work out a happier way.


End file.
